Six Ways to Love Someone Who Doesn't Love Themselves.

A relationship doesn’t have to end because your partner is struggling. A healthy mindset and a few simple rules will help you.  

 If you are reading this, no doubt you love someone who doesn’t love themselves. Or want to have a healthier relationship with your SO who suffers from low self-esteem. I am glad you are here. Too many relationships end in frustration because one member isn’t doing as well and the other feels inadequate and burdened. With a few useful tools, you can be a supportive other and avoid overwhelm. Your SO does not want you to struggle on their behalf.

 Before we open our hearts to the one who doesn't love themselves, let’s consider where that individual's brokenness originated. Attachment theorists since the 1950s believe that it is the inadequate bonding in childhood that led to your SO’s insecurity. In other words, it is likely your SO did not experience the needed caregiver regard in their earliest years and now navigates life desperate for attention, yours and others, and show it in a variety of ways that are not always positive.

 Now you know that the person who doesn’t love themselves may not be easy to love, tell me, who is the person in your life? What are they doing to annoy or upset you and how do you cope?

 Unconditional positive regard.

You are not responsible for your partner but your acceptance and empathy will contribute to their personal growth and happiness in a way that nothing else can and will. More than anything your attention, care and respect have the potential to shape your SO’s self-concept and nurture self-esteem.

 There will be times when this is not as easy or simple to do and it is then that I suggest you do this focus exercise I have found so useful.

 Focus on their strengths.

It can be tiring to support someone who isn't cheerleading themselves. So get a stash of recipe cards, (I use them for everything but cooking) and list their strengths, contributions, assets, and improvements as they show up. Then be like the detective who makes notes and occasionally shares. Your SO will beam when you say, 

You are really good at making people feel special.

 or 

I can’t thank you enough for helping me with my resume.

Consistently highlighting their positives and modelling yours will go a long way.

 Be a self-esteem mirror.

It is hard to resist being self-positive when the person around you is consistently treating themselves and others well. So speak highly of yourself, stay hopeful when life takes a nose dive and flood them with examples of you encouraging others. Don’t stop there. Show your SO what self-care, life balance and self-compassion looks like. When this is consistent and authentic, there will be room for you to speak out when their behaviour affects you negatively.

 Speak up and avoid criticism.

A relationship can’t flourish without honesty and you won’t be happy if you have to tiptoe around your SO all the time. The question is how do you speak your mind without wounding? It isn’t as hard as you think but there are a few rules. The good news is that learning and following these rules will improve any relationship. And we all should be observing these.

 Rule 1 of speaking up: You can’t complain every day (one in seven is enough) and never in “brutal honesty.”

Rule 2 of speaking up: Be direct and focus only on a single issue. You can say,“ Please clean all the dirty dishes when it is your turn.” Or “Let’s talk about keeping the kitchen clean.”

What you can’t say is, “ You never clean up after yourself.” Can you feel the difference?

Rule 3 of speaking up: Your body language and facial expression must be relaxed and conversational. Don’t let your body say that your words are untrue.

 You may be wondering, what happens when speaking up does not result in changed behaviour. Healthy boundaries will demonstrate your limits to your SO.

 Know and apply your boundaries.

Some people have brick wall boundaries while others draw a line in sand that drifts with your mood. Make sure your boundaries are reasonable and well thought out. It is very confusing for your SO when your limits are ever-changing.

Before you set them, be clear that you will stand by them. Boundaries help you love your SO and get what you need in the relationship. But accepting abuse won’t.

 Never tolerate abuse.

Where boundaries say no to negative behaviour, tolerating abuse says yes to those behaviours and your commitment to love someone who doesn't love themselves will fail if you excuse any form of abuse.

Have you heard the expression, ”Hurt people hurt people?” More recently this was Will Smith’s excuse for slapping Chris Rock on stage at the Academy Awards. Do not risk the hurt person in your life escalating to hurt you. This is especially dangerous in a love relationship. You can wholeheartedly love the one who doesn't love themselves by keeping these simple rules in mind.